I can't even believe it's been almost four months since we brought our little girl home. I'm still trying to get her nursery finished! I don't have much to show for the last four months in terms of scrapbooking her first few months of life, journaling details of our days or what milestones Rosalyn has mastered, or, of course, blogging, but I can say I have spent a lot of time holding and loving on my sweet girls, memorized a few new children's books, wiped off A LOT of chunky, thick baby formula spit-up, and made memories that (for now) will be written in my heart (and/or smeared on my shirt). And I'm trying to be okay with that. I often stress myself out because I feel like I'm not documenting enough about my kids or posting enough pictures to Instagram or Facebook, but I am working really hard to focus on making memories rather than capturing faux memories on my phone or camera. And I have to believe that my girls will appreciate me being present and a part of the memories more than looking through a fancy book. Don't get me wrong, I still have high hopes to do both but if I have to pick one, I'm going to put the cute paper aside for now.
It's 10:30 p.m. and I just went in to both girls rooms to check on them. As I left Rosalyn's room, I was overcome with emotion. My eyes are filled with tears as I'm typing. I'm just so honored to be their mom, and I'm forever thankful to God for allowing me to help raise them. I without a doubt believe God handpicked Rosalyn to be a part of our family. He brought her to us in a way that only He is capable of doing, but I also realize more and more that Olivia was also handpicked to be our oldest daughter; to be Rosalyn's older sister. I hope and pray that as adoptive parents we will make sure Rosalyn knows her story. Knows how she came into our family and understands this was God's plan. I also pray that Olivia will always be proud of her story too. Though different from Rosalyn's, it is equally special and unique, and I want her to always know that she is part of God's plan too. My prayer for them as sisters is that they will be each other's best friend, find lots of commonalities, embrace each others differences and show each other unconditional love. Olivia loved her sister from the moment she laid eyes on her in the hospital. She is so proud of her, tells people it's "her baby" and every morning when she wakes up asks how Rosalyn did last night and if she slept well. I can't wait to watch them grow up together and watch as their relationship grows. There is nothing quite like the relationship between sisters. What a gift!
Pretty much since the day Olivia was born we started planning for her first sibling. We wanted (and still do, but have given up trying to control it) lots of kids, close in age; and since Olivia was a pretty easy baby, we thought what's one more right away?! I was 29 after all, so we needed to have them close together if we were going to squeeze in four kids before turning 35. There is nothing wrong with having children after turning 35, but in my mind (at the time) that's when I wanted to be done. And for some reason, I thought I needed to have all my kids close in age; that was just kinda always the plan...wait a while before having kids and live life to the fullest as just the two of us, but once we start, just knock it out. I had come up with a plan in my head as to what I wanted my family to look like and thought my plan would be what was best for me. I never planned to have multiple miscarriages. Never planned to be the last of my friends to have baby #2. Never thought I'd be the one to have to see a fertility specialist. I wanted another baby more than anything and I didn't understand why God didn't seem to be on board with my plan. It was a pretty good plan after all. I didn't feel like He could hear my prayers and questioned why things weren't happening according to my time frame. How could anything different be better? And how could struggles, pain, depression and grief possibly be used to help create a story that is good? I can honestly say that I've come a long way in the last two years; I've learned a lot (about a lot of things) and grown so much as a person. I still doubt and question things--this is a journey after all--but surrendering control and letting God be the author of my story has been freeing.
